“What do you expect from those close to you?”

I was asked this question some time ago, and, interestingly, I could not think of any precise answer. My mind just went blank.

Not that this is an entirely rare occurrence; my mind goes blank a lot more than I’d care to admit, but this time I thought it would be interesting to scratch this itch, and think about the whole idea of expectations in general.

There is an interesting idea in the book “How will you measure your life?” by Clayton Christensen, James Allworth and Karen Dillon, which basically suggests that the path to finding happiness in close relationships is finding out what makes the other person tick, and making the necessary sacrifices to provide those things for them.

According to them, many unhappy relationships are built upon selflessness… only that the “selflessness” is based on the partners giving each other things what they want to give, instead of what the other person really needs.[1] They continue on by suggesting that the most successful relationships are those in which both partners have figured out what they require from each other, and, then continue to deliver on these goods.

I read that book quite a while ago, and thought it was an interesting idea, and a particularly novel way of seeing things. I still do, only that now, there is a fundamental question left unanswered: Does the other party know what makes them happy themselves? Do they know what they expect from those close to them?

This question may sound quite banal, but its answer carries enormous consequence.

If, for a particular person, the answer to that question is no, then the best that those close to that person can do to make them happy is guess. Given that they do not know what they want, or expect from people themselves, the best anybody can do for them is make guesses as to what may make them happy. And, in the case where a number of guesses turn out to be wrong, the result may be tiredness, apathy, and, in extreme cases, dissolution of those relationships.

Even when a person can say with some measure of certainty that they actually know what they do expect from those close to them, there is the question as to how clear they are on the things that actually bring them happiness.

This is an equally valid question, which carries even more weight. Most people, when asked, would say they want things like love, respect, care, or some combination of those, or similar from those around them. Of course we all have a valid need to be loved, and respected, and taken care of, and so on and so forth.

However, there are other things that could compete with these “positive” things. Sometimes they are vices like power, control and revenge; other times they are more innocuous, like space. [2]

Honestly, I can’t say for sure whether these “supplementary” wants are separated from the other desires like love and respect and all, or whether they are simply the expression of these needs in our psyches. For example, for somebody who wants space: do they want love, respect and space, or does love and respect translate to “space” in their minds?

Even so, there are still quite a few questions left unanswered.

For example, where is the space then for mystery? What would friendships and other other relationships look like if we had to spell out everything we want from those close to us? What if the things we desire are actually vices? Should we expect those close to us to become slaves to our egos, just because that would make us feel good about ourselves? Even if they did, would that satisfy us? Will it improve our relationships with them?

These, among many others, are quite valid questions, which require sizable amounts of thought. Some of them have clear-cut answers, others do not. Their answers are very personal, and would depend on our knowledge, tastes and experiences as individuals.

Whatever the answers are, [one of] the purpose(s) of this essay was to highlight the fact that it is a very valuable exercise to look into ourselves and understand the full spectrum of what it is we truly want, and expect from those close to us. Because only when we do so will we be truly able to appreciate, and enjoy the sacrifices they make on our behalf [3].

Notes [1] To put it more clearly, this would simply mean I am trying to give you what I would like to receive if I were in your shoes, instead of what you actually need. Of course, there is the philosophical question as to whether this is actually “selflessness”, but then, for the purpose of this essay, let’s admit that it indeed is, because I am actually thinking about how to give you something you want.

[2] David Burns, MD in his book “Feeling good together” makes a list of 12 vices that compete for the traditional virtues in relationships. Those were not the point of this essay; as such I chose not to belabor that point. However, the reader can refer to that book to get a fuller picture of these vices.

[3] Assuming of course, that these sacrifices are made willingly, and that we let them make those sacrifices. The topic of sacrifice is quite interesting, and I’ll probably share my thoughts on the subject in the nearby future.