It is the pit in the stomach. The shrills that come over you when you see them. Sometimes it makes you angry, other times it just frustrates you. Whatever it is, jealousy is not the nicest of emotions to feel. Not only because of its moral implications, but also because of the nature of the feeling itself.

However, if thought about differently, jealousy can actually be quite helpful.

The key to harnessing the power of this emotion is to realize that we are not jealous of everything. An academic who does teaching and research (usually) does not feel jealous of a celebrity, and neither does a teenage boy feel jealous of his friend’s mother who just gave birth.

We are usually jealous of things we want, or, at least think we want, but do not have. Feelings of jealousy are especially aggravated when we see people who, in our opinion, are similar to us, but who have those things.

Jealousy becomes harmful when it stops only at this impression, thereby festering into self-pity and resentment toward our friends, or life in general, for the things they have, and those we do not have.

However, jealousy can serve a more powerful purpose, if we are willing (and able) to let it: it can point us to what we truly want, and enable us figure out why it is we want those things, and why it is we truly do not have them.

The key to making use of this, is asking yourself the next time you feel jealous of somebody: Why am I jealous of them? Do I really want what they have?

The reason for this is, sometimes what we categorize as jealousy is not really jealousy. It’s just general anxiety over seeing other people live their own lives. And sometimes really asking ourselves whether what we are jealous of is what we really want serves the purpose of reinforcing the valid needs and wants of our lives, and point us to the right direction toward our dreams and plans.

If, however, the answers to the above questions are in the affirmative, and it happens that the jealousy in question is founded on something valid, that is, what they have is really what you want, or what they are doing is something you wish you were doing, the next question to ask is: Why then don’t you have it? Or why are you not doing it? [1]

If you feel jealous of a friend who is making large sums of money from her new business, it is because at some level you identify with her, and think that you both have similar amounts of talent (or that you are even better than she is). But then, if starting a business and making lots of money is what you truly want, why don’t you have your own business? What is stopping you?

Now, sometimes we are jealous of others because of the recognition they get for their work, and not necessarily for the work itself. We may be doing similar things as they, and getting the same results, but in this case what we really want is the recognition they are getting. Of course it would probably be useful to ask ourselves why our work is not being recognized, but recognition is very subjective, and, in many cases, does not reflect the quality of one’s output.

So, the next time you begin to notice twinges of jealousy, do well to ask yourself, is this something I wished I had/ was doing? And, if the answer to that question is yes, then, the sequel should be why don’t I have it/ am I not doing it? Answered properly, both questions can be very revealing.

Notes [1] Sometimes there is little or nothing we can do about certain situations. It would probably be a futile exercise to carry out such an analysis on why you are jealous of somebody with kids when you have fertility issues, or somebody who won a scholarship whose age restriction you have passed. There are probably better ways to deal with such situations, but that is a topic for another day. Most situations are not that extreme.