I recently wrote an essay in which I investigated the reason why people get in trouble for giving advice. I received some very interesting feedback from quite a few readers, who pointed out something I had not considered at the time I was thinking about the other topic, and which I thought would be interesting to think about.

It was about a set of four words very few people like to hear: “I told you so”. Given that the emotional weight of these words lies more with the counselee than with the counselors, I thought it would be better to consider things from that perspective this time around.

To begin with, these words usually serve two main functions: to express concern, and to gloat.

People who tell you “I told you so” out of concern are usually those who are too invested in your life, and, as such, are really committed to your success. Your failure therefore affects them on a very personal basis. Such people are usually parents, significant others, siblings, and, sometimes, close friends.

Because of their investment in your life, they tend to want you to follow their advice to the T. As such, for them, their advice is not just a set of their own opinions, but the way, the truth and the light. You must go their way, or take the highway. But this control is out of a desire to really see you succeed.

Generally, such people usually tend to be conservative in their counsel, and encourage you to follow the beaten path. The most plausible reason for this is simple: they share more of the risks than the rewards of your decisions.

For example, if you are a parent, and your 6-year old son decides to become a tree climber or your teenage daughter decides to date a 40-year old man, you share very little in the excitement. However, if your son falls down and breaks his leg, or your daughter comes home pregnant, the responsibility is all yours ¹.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with the beaten path; after all, it was beaten for somebody else to follow. However, it was not beaten for everybody to follow. Some people simply have to beat their own paths in life, and you may happen to be one of them.

Now, sometimes, if for some reason, you choose to go your own way and things work out for the best, that’s okay, but then, if they don’t, that is when the dreaded words come in. In any case, it is important to understand that they are telling you that because they are concerned about what goes on in your life.

Now comes the second function: gloating. People gloat when things do not turn out right because when a person gives you their counsel, and you choose not to follow it, it sends a subtle message that something was wrong with their viewpoint in the first place, and that you or somebody else has a better opinion on the issue.

This is a very hard thing not to take personally, and to be clear, this is not a weakness on their part, neither is it a criticism of such counselors in general. It is a valid need to have an opinion that matters, and it is very normal to feel hurt when one’s opinion is (or seems to be) ignored. As such, when things do not turn out right, there is that sweet feeling of “I was right” that comes in, and, in most cases, it is really difficult to suspend that pleasure in order to offer the much needed support in times of crises.

Ultimately, you want counselors who are invested enough in your life to want to see you succeed, yet secure enough to let you figure things out on your own, and ultimately let you carve your own path. However, finding people who are even the least invested in your life is hard enough on its own; finding people with the right amount of investment and security would be another problem.

The reality is that for most of us, good counselors are few, and far between. As such, the only plausible way to work around this would be to develop some thick skin of our own, follow the advice we deem reasonable, and, well, prepare for whatever comes should we choose to reject a particular path chosen for us.

Notes

Thanks to Mbu Waindim, Rowena Cornelius, Sofiat Olaosebikan, Joseph Siewe and Cyrille Tago for reading drafts of this.